Guest Post: Crazy Transfer, Hidden Arsenal

If you scour the Arsenal blogosphere on a daily basis the name Critic will need no introduction. He’s a passionate Desi Gooner like yours truly and has contributed the following light-hearted piece. I hope you will find it a nice change from my usual analytical ramblings.

It has been a crazy transfer month, with even crazier rumors. But it could have been a much better and happening transfer window of all time. Here’s an article taking you guys to the last day of recently concluded transfer window that could have been….madder, with some mad journalism of course.

Rumors are rife that a well known club in England has put £15 m on the table for NUFC’s Joey Barton. Identity of the club is being kept very secret. To the joy of all football lovers, the club involved is a night club in England. Apparently they are short ‘in numbers’ in gatekeeper and bouncer department. They reckon mere reputation of Joey with his moustache will be enough to protect the club from goons like ALEX BROTHERS. The club also believes that his ability to make obscene gestures and kicking the ball in right areas can come in handy (he must have learnt something while playing football).

Our reporters tried to get at the bottom of this rumor but to no avail. Mr. Alan Pardew, too busy in practicing different poses and smiling gestures for the camera, refused to comment on the current situation and warned us not to distract him.

Rumors are doing rounds that Abramovich is considering a massive raid on United. He is bored and wants to spice up chelsea’s title pursuit. He has figured out the way to keep a squad of unlimited players. Sadly for him, only few such special talents are available (they are always available).

Voices of discontent can be heard from very old mall debris. United have asked FA to intervene and protect their ongoing ‘RESPECT’ campaign. But FA officials laughed on the confusion over their campaign. Mr. ‘Honestly Dishonest’, explaining the main idea behind their campaign said, “we only RESPECT money ”.

At United’s press conference, journalists were going crazy for confirmation on recent developments. But as usual, ferguson’s words couldn’t come out of his mouth. Out of frustration, journalist started chanting, “We don’t know what you are saying”!! All this left Mr. Alex miffed. He left hurriedly after giving stern warning (in written) to all journalists that he will consider calling back all of his loanees from their current spell, under which they are working as their housekeepers. Soon, the jolly environment turned into a gloomy one.

Elsewhere, our undercover agent ‘I am lennon’ spotted a very familiar figure. On using his brain, he realized it was his current master, one of the greatest poker faces of all time, Mr. Arry Redknaaapp. Before blowing his cover, he again stressed his brain (2nd time in his entire life) and thus spotted an opportunity for another potentially spicy transfer story.

Mr Arry was looking rather jolly (or is it just the face??). ‘I am lennon’ tried to click his photo but soon found out his camera’s batteries were leaking like their defense and the natural light was fading as fast as their title dreams(lolz, everyone has a right to dream though). On further inspection, he found out that the man had lost all his transfer kitty and Gareth Bale in a game of poker. Acting sad, ‘I am lennon’ asked, “what will we say to the fans”?? To which Arry took a moment or two and then, both laughed their heart out. Arry bid farewell to ‘I am lennon’ and thanked him for making him feel better again.

I guess that’s the only serious bid that Arry made during the transfer window.

Back home due to lack of transfer activity from Arsene Wenger, some of the fans decided to prepare a bid for,….as  I am being told by Andy Black and Richard Locks,… Paul Collingwood!!! ??  In their opinion, (fans) (my fellow correspondents just got the sack) he has the agility and if he can catch the small ball then he shouldn’t have any problems in standing between the posts for Arsenal. He also possesses decent footwork and most importantly – he is ENGLISH.

ECB have asked for calmness and common sense among people and authorities. They don’t want any distractions for their players at such a crucial juncture, especially when there is less than a month left for cricket world cup.

Will the bid go on?? Will Collingwood agree?? But most importantly, does Arsene know about these recent developments??? Only time will tell.

Time is with Arsene in his office. They are desperately waiting for a world class central defender to knock on his door. In addition to defending, he should be a good midfielder, goal scorer and must have the ability to pull off stunning saves as a goalkeeper. Will such entity come to Arsene? Are you that man? (if yes, then f*** off to charity because we create our own players) Will fans finally sign Paul Collingwood???  When asked, Arsene replied “I am manager of the greatest football club on earth, not a psychic”.

Enough said. It’s been a mad, mad transfer window but with sincere journalism….

But time is still at Ashburton Grove, humming with loyal gooners..

“Future is bright….

It’s not red, not blue and definitely not white….

It’s ………..


And we can clearly hear the voices from all over the world…………………………..


14 Responses to Guest Post: Crazy Transfer, Hidden Arsenal

  1. Phv says:

    I love sarcasm.

  2. rohit says:

    still no mention of buyin us a ref…..doh!!

    • critic says:

      mate, two things
      1) we never pay over the odds for any transfer
      2) we focus on our youth academy. Unfortunately even if we breed our won refs, they will turn out to be honest. It’s just arsenal principles.

  3. Hong_gunner says:

    assuming most people in here are on facebook as well, here’s a group which I’ve been using for quite a while and is pretty good if you’re interested into some constructive footballing discussions.

    P.S – I’d give you my real name if you’re interested, and you can find me in there if you need any help getting into the group(the group is closed).

    • Kushagra India says:

      yeah give us ur name…

    • critic says:

      Discuss everything without saying anything about article. :p

    • critic says:

      i think we can discuss current issues on blogs itself, why go to some other places??

      • Hong_gunner says:

        hey mate. I’m sorry if my post went a bit rude for you personally, as this was your guest post. but I think you’ll admit the fact that blogs generally dry up bar the match-days. I’ve gone through your article, and its a humorous one, but many a people(like me) are pretty much more interested in other issues than humor(yes, we love humor, but not to be spilled over the whole of the thread). I admire your efforts, but the blog has been going a bit dull over the last few months. just my personal opinion. anyone who wants to join the group(you can still continue your conversations in the blogs as well, such has been the expansion of technology. 🙂 ). hope no offense was taken. Cheers !!

        P.S. : search me by the name Subrat Koirala on facebook and I shall give you the link to the group. Cheers !

  4. JJ Pittman says:

    I’m too old to cry(67) and it hurts too much to laugh! Spot on, though, glad somebody can see humor in our continuing tragedy!

    • critic says:

      i know timing of the article is not great but hey humor eases the pressure on us gooners. We have to see the lighter side of the events which are out of our control. Whining definitely doesn’t helps but at least we can laugh on others for being light years behind us in overall football philosophy.
      Try to laugh.

      • JJ Pittman says:

        I think part of the problem comes from the “Academy” concept. We can do well with young strikers, midfielders, wings, keepers and fullbacks.
        Center back is probably the position where experience is most important and no matter how talented our young guys are(like Djourou and Koscielny) they don’t have the experience. Compound this with the high line we play and the lack of depth we always seem to have at this position and the number of games we have to play in all competitions including the dreaded “friendlies”, no wonder every year it seems to be just another variation on the same theme.

  5. critic says:

    thank u desi, for giving rookie a chance.

  6. swikrath says:

    Hi Critic, a funny read, though would have looked better on Untold Arsenal, its a sort of an article that would have been better appreciated there and how Desi(No offense intended) sticks to his analaysis and tactics :-).. Well i know you did try to get it publisher there then but it din’t happen.. Want to also add that i had a very very similar article(though not as funny as yours) in mind but never had the time to write it. So i would like to thank you 🙂 for making a fellow gooners day more cheerful.

    • critic says:

      thanx, 🙂
      it was tailor made for untold but they didn’t have the time for it. Desi told me the same thing – it’s not his style.

      I thought it might add some variety to his blog.

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